Queeeeeeen! (and life)

Omg, I'm high on Queen again. AHHH. It's been so long since I listened to Queen, but the effect, omg it never wears off no matter how long I don't listen to it!

The music from "A kind of magic" just floated into my mind, totally not bid for, but it just... I was in the shower, but I came out and just headed straight for my playlist. Ah, bliss. I went and did all the random email checks and paid phone bill and settled frustrating matters. In the background, Queen songs played, seeped through my sub-consciousness, and suddenly, suddenly, I'm happy beyond happy.

Seriously, nothing else gets me so happy! I can't explain it. No other music gets me out of my stupor, gets me moving, keeps me awake yet lulls me to sleep, brings smiles to my face, makes me push myself onwards. Oh, I remember how when my toe was broken and walking with crutches was so painfully tiring, whenever I'm sweating it out to walk just twenty paces, I just have to hum "Don't stop me now" and my fatigue leaves me.

Queen is AWESOME.

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Lately, I vacillate violently between being extremely motivated and purposeful, to giving myself SUPER LONG, LETHARGIC, FOREVER-AND-EVER long breaks that I don't deserve at all. The latter happens more frequently. OH GOD HELP.

I have been thinking so much, dreaming so much, glossing over reality, such that I mix up the unreal from the real and I honestly have trouble remembering whether something was part of a dream, a figment of my imagination, a memory, or recent reality.

I haven't taken the time to talk about my wonderful workload this semester. All I have to do is to describe my very first Level 4 Macroeconomics lecture to send my message across.

Readings = a whole pile, from various books, that I have to hunt down.
Okay, no complaints about the quantity, or the inconvenience. Complaint: I can read them 10 times and still not comprehend a thing. The mathematical notations are gibberish to me. I am completely lost.
People = a room full of extremely intelligent-looking people whom I have never seen in my life, their very demeanour making me feel inferior and terrified of them.
I'm so gonna die in this class.
Professor = no-nonsense guy, talks like a bullet train.
Respect, and absolute fear.

My first lecture went like this. I went in with Peiling, and we were terrified by the whole aura of that room, of the people in that room, of the 16-page lecture notes in huge font but incomprehensible content, the readings that were full of symbols !($*)#$.

Prof started talking, I started copying, listening, copying, listening, and then I didn't know what I was hearing, or what I was writing. But I pressed on, listening, copying, so on... And I was mentally exhausted, physically exhausted, I didn't have the strength to write any faster, my mind wasn't processing any more information, there was so much I didn't know and I felt so stupid, I didn't remember anything that I had ever learnt before, oh how can I call myself an Economics major?

I really needed a break, I wished he would stop and give us a break, because I was certain that 2 hours should already have gone by, that's the kind of pace, and I looked at the clock but damn, it has only been 40 minutes. How is that even possible??

The second half of the lecture, my brain just refused to cooperate any longer. Extreme fatigue.

The prof asked questions, people shot answers out, he shot them down with "no, no, no, no." I was thinking, how do they even come up with those answers in the first place?? And I was thinking, what are we talking about now? What does that question even mean? What are all those symbols? I need Math tuition! And then the prof asked a question that no one could answer and he answered it himself, and said, "you should be ashamed!" He didn't emphasize that short little criticism, but I heard it clearly, because I was hanging on dearly to his every word, and at that moment I just felt so crushed, yes, I should be ashamed. I am ashamed, I am ashamed. I needed to hide my face. I'm ashamed. I shouldn't be in that class, but I had to be. I need to prove myself, to prove it to myself, to prove... I must survive.

So!

That was my first day of semester.

But it wouldn't be fair if I didn't mention the lesson before this particular one. The OB class! That was pretty awesome, just the way I had expected to be. There's this underlying excitement whenever I think of OB. It's the highlight of my semester. The workload is gonna be crazy, like MNO3303, but it's gonna be worth it, the learning, the working, the accomplishment. Oh, all the troubles we went through to get into this class together. Phew, we finally made it. Tuesday morning, 9am. We were all late, texting each other to save us each others' seats, blaming the traffic, but I was the earliest among the late so I got there first. Secured the second row seats, three chairs in a row, and then just as I turned from rejecting other people their requests to sit next to me, saw a familiar face that I didn't expect, Qian Li, friendly hello, so I said pull a chair up for Fahmi, and then Peiling came and sat on my other side.

I like the prof. Professional yet approachable. Wonderful. I'm excited. It will be good, I could sense it right then. I can sense it now. There's this little bit of nervousness among all that excitement and anticipation.

It's gonna be a good semester. I just hope I don't get on Fahmi's nerves too much. I think I am already beginning to do so, being so naggy about every little thing. But well, I'm not gonna let up to anything. If he's crazy, I'm crazier. I can do this thing!

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And I have a feeling, this semester, Queen is going to be keeping me company...

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AIESEC elections tomorrow! Full day event, so time consuming, but I'm kinda excited.

[Edit @ 11.16PM: I just read this once through, and God I'm so incoherent! It's laughable! Might be because of the Queen playing, which takes up like more than 50% of my attention subconsciously! Guess I gotta rethink about listening to it as I work! I'll just leave all the strangely-formed sentences in this post, so I can laugh at myself in the future.]